Why Becoming a Vegetarian Might Kill Me

August 19, 2008 at 7:05 pm | Posted in Life | 33 Comments
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I really hate to even say that I am attempting to become a vegetarian. I know that once I say that I will have the overwhelming urge for chicken wings and I will fall into failure and dismay all of my fellow vegetarian friends. But on the advice of one of them who gave me some very fabulous resources, I have now drastically reduced the amount of meat I am eating. It is a start right?? I am having some major trouble with the seafood though. Crab and salmon in my sushi is a must, and I fear I will never truly be a vegetarian.

However, in my quest to cut out some meat, I along with hubby have also made the transition to soy milk, and the next step is to give up cheese. Let’s not hold our breathe people. I love my cheese, even though it does not always love me. But that is for another time.

Now on to why vegetarianism is killing me. Tonight I came home and was in the process of making a fantastic salad. I went to my refrigerator to retrieve my essentials: lettuce, cucumbers, peppers, onions, and the one that almost did me in-the tomatoes. I know what you are thinking. No, I am not in the throws of a very tardy bout of salmonella. I am not nauseous and wishing a quick and sudden death due to the horrible and yes, now non-existent outbreak.

When I tell you this I am being dead serious. The tomatoes hurt me. There that is it. I am so embarrassed. It is like the vegetables are seeking revenge on me for eating more of them in my quest to save a few animals.

Welcome to the ridiculousness I call my life.

As I opened my veggie drawer in my refrigerator, I suddenly hear the loudest pop ever. Kind of like the sound you hear when a gun fires you pop a can of biscuits, except this one happened right in front of my left eye. The plastic container which held my beautiful ready-chopped tomatoes from Publix my local store had somehow taken in so much air that once I opened the drawer and the pressure changed it became like a soda bottle shaken too much and the lid popped of. I am not going to lie, I almost peed on myself from the sudden noise. Then I realized that I had this horrible burning sensation in my eye. As I tried to make it to the sink to perform the emergency eye irrigation, I was so panicked because I thought I was blinded for life that I stubbed my toe on the island in my kitchen and lo and behold I had two injuries.

I. Kid. You. Not.

Do you know how hard it is to try to bandage a hurt toe with one eye? Let’s just say it’s not easy.

I will never look at Veggie Tales the same. They are out to get me.

(Mis)adventures in Customer Service

August 14, 2008 at 1:03 pm | Posted in Life | 38 Comments
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This really happened to me. I pull up to Smoothie King after a very long, hot morning. 

Speaking into the speaker:

Me: I would like to order one small Grape Expectation with no banana. Only grape, papaya, and strawberries. I would also like one small Light and Fluffy.

Teenage clerk who speaks in 90’s surfer slang with a slight hint of valley girl.

Clerk: So that is one Grape Expectation with extra banana – 

Me: No, no banana in the Grape Expectation. 

Clerk: Ok, no banana in the Light and Fluffy. 

Me: No, I want no banana in the Grape and leave everything in the Light and Fluffy.

Clerk: SO you just want the Light and Fluffy with everything? Ok, that will be 3.89.

Me: No, I want a Grape Expectation, with NO BANANA only the papaya, strawberries, and grapes. I also need one small Light and Fluffy normal.

Clerk: Ok, so that is one Grape Expectation. No papaya with extra banana.

Sigh.

Me: No, NO BANANA in the Grape Expectation. Yes, I want papaya, grape and strawberry in the regular amounts.

Clerk: So you want extra papaya in the Grape Expectation?

-beats head against steering wheel. I am giving up the battle.

Me: Yes, yes whatever. 

Clerk: Ok that will be 9.15. (because the extra papaya times two costs more)

Me: Fine. 

And the big company wins again.

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