Top Fifteen Things. . .

May 14, 2008 at 6:44 pm | Posted in Family, Life, Thoughts | 23 Comments

Following a brief encounter with some very outrageous children I have decided on the Top Fifteen Things to remember when I become a mother:

1. When you have company, all children need to be dressed appropriately for the day. Appropriate clothing, not just underwear, is a must, especially if children are over the age of two. All day underwear, especially that which is not being worn correctly, might make said visitors uncomfortable. 

2. When you are nine months pregnant and you start to get a strange feeling, go to the hosptial. Do Not wait around wondering what exactly is going on which may lead to you having your child on the side of the road on the way to the hospital!

3. Do not allow your child to only drink straight juice. Hello, childhood obesity?

4. On that note, when you child is particularly ahem, robust, do not allow them to have, “whatever they want or will eat.”

5. Do not allow you children to talk back to, hit, or pinch visitors. This will seem especially rude if you do not take a moment to correct audacious behavior.

6. Do not allow children to imitate Evil Knievil by jumping onto or from furniture. Also, do not allow children to use the excuse, “but Daddy let’s me do it” and get away with it.

7. Do not attempt to carry on an important conversation with children screaming over you. Stop the discussion, handle the situation, and give full attention to your guests. It will only irritate your guests more if you try to talk loudly over the screaming and pretend it is not there.

8. Teach children to accept correction. Screaming, kicking, pinching is not an acceptable way to accept correction, especially over the age of three.

9. Teach children to flush. Everytime.

10. No matter how busy you are always supply soap and toilet paper in the bathroom.

11. Teach children they must wash hands following every trip to the bathroom, not just the No. 2.

12. Do not trust that a child is not involved in mischief when they are quietly playing in the next room. They most likely are up to no good.

13. Insist children sit and eat like human beings. Carrying food around in their hands and calling it lunch is not acceptable.

14. Teach children to be responsible for their own things. Refuse to pick up after them and do not allow yourself to become a maid.

15. You can never “squash their tender personality” with behavioral correction or the word “no.” Do not allow children to be brats. Ever. No matter what.



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  1. definitely some good things to remember, haha.

  2. I totally agree with you about the juice! and can I wear just my underwear when I have visitors or does the clothing thing apply to me too! Just kidding. I am certainly not going to be Eliza’s maid. I am still waitin for my maid to show up. You must know some kids with terible bathroom habits. Have you been to my Kindergarten class?

  3. Oh. My. Gosh. When I hear about things like this, it makes me wonder why hitting your kids fell out of fashion as a means of discipline. Oh wait, if I raise my children to be Regular Human Beings, I won’t want to slap them all the time? Iiiinteresting.

  4. I hate when people continue talking over there crying child!!!!!!!!!!!!! Great list!!!

  5. Uh oh I’m in trouble because I love jumping on furniture 🙂

  6. Those are all very good lessons. I especially like the one about handling the screaming child rather than ignore them. I do not care for a screaming child ruining my conversation.

  7. Fabulous! This should be issued at the hospital for every first time parent. I guess before childbirth to avoid #2!!

  8. Great list, and I agree. Children these days are so out of control because parents just let bad behaviour go.

  9. I love it!! We are definitely going to be the same kind of Mommy…the good kind!!! hahaha..

  10. Such a great list I’ll try to remember all those things when I have kids someday…

  11. Great List, and I will definitely remember some of those things, especially because it drives me nuts when some moms don’t do those things!

  12. At first I thought … just WAIT until she has kids of her own.

    But then I finished the list and I have to agree with most of it. It’s hard to be on top of everything, all the time, though, even with just one. It’s just easier to be lazy about some things.

    Still, you should also add that if your child is screaming in a restaurant (or other public venue) DO NOT beg, whine, plead, or threaten said child. Just remove child from situation. GAH

  13. Dude, I have a mental checklist for my future children every time I encounter childlike behavior that drives me insane!

    And I’m sorry, did someone you know have a baby on the side of the road recently? Did you imply that?

  14. Uh, does the not jumping on furniture apply to not jumping off of the house onto a trampoline? Just curious. 🙂

    Seriously, a great list.

  15. I agree with all 15 and could probablly add 15 more. I swear if I ever decide to procreate the kid will be a soldier.

  16. […] to clarify on the last post and the baby delivery. Yes, I recently met a woman who years ago when nine moths pregnant with her […]

  17. Oh these are just hilarious! You hit the nail on the head 🙂

  18. Man! All that graduate school – where were you when I was taking my child psych comprehensives?

  19. This is my first visit and I will be back!! Clicked over from seven chicks.

  20. We’re so in sync:

  21. I used to work at Barnes and Noble when I was in college. One time, a lady and her little girl approached the counter to check out and I was the checker at the time. The little girl screamed that she did not want to check out where I was, she wanted to do it at the counter but two registers down. “I want that register!!!” The mother looked at me like, “You heard her. We’ve got to move.”

    Now first of all, no fucking way! I did not have the authority to move to another register for one and second of all, your child should know by now that she is not going to get every thing she wants in life! I was so pissed that this mother was going along with this brat.

    When it became obvious that I was not going to move two registers down, she suggested that the little girl hand me the books at the register she wanted and then I walk down and ring them up at my assigned register and then walk back to get the next book.

    I told her, “Nope.”

    Haha! The kid was screaming. And I don’t care if the mother thinks I’m a bitch.

  22. I love this list! I hate that all of these can be summed up into “Raise your children to act like humans.” Common sense people. I’m very sorry for the experience you must have had that prompted this post!!

  23. Umm, this list makes me smile. And I pretty much agree with everything on it!

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