Insomniatic Thoughts

May 3, 2008 at 1:44 am | Posted in Thoughts | 22 Comments
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Somehow tonight, I am really starting to feel my age. I am not one of those people who loathe and bemoan my existance of being a 20 something. I have always just accepted things as they came. I figured that it was just the process of life and that I am where I am, experiencing what I am experiencing, because that is the way it is suppossed to be. I honestly never really know what age I am. I will be in a group and someone will ask me how old I am, and I usually say the wrong age. I just can’t remember. I don’t hold birthdays in such high esteem and I don’t base my life and my self-worth or prowess on a number. Cause that is what it is just a number, right?

Tonight I feel as though my number may have caught up with me just a bit. I am feeling a little pushed into a grown-up world where things are harder, less clear, and unpredicatable. The things you take for granted when you are younger; like health, closeness of friends, and the dreams that you once aspired so hard to acheive seem to be slipping away more and more and no grasping or white knuckle gripping can slow it down.

Going head-first into true adulthood is scary. Levels and experiences change. People change. Curcumstances change. Expectations are left by the way-side. Dreams are put on hold, buried and forgotten or as we would all hope, achieved. How many of the lucky ones really achieve their dreams? And if they do achieve their dreams in one area do they feel as though they have slighted some other facet of their life in which they held great importance? Do they still feel guilty for putting another aspiration on hold? Do they always wonder if they made the right choice in choosing which dream to pursue?

I can speak from experience and say that, yes, I do. I do all of these things. No matter how successful I seem to feel in one area, that leaves another area that has been neglected and in a void. Those areas haunt me like the proverbial “nah nah nah nah nah nah you can’t get me” syndrome. The reminders of things pushed to the wayside for other hopes and dreams. What about those? I analyze, I second-guess, I worry, I fret.

Perhaps it is the over-achiever in me. The hope of having it all. Perhaps that is too much to ask of one life. Still, that is not a good excuse to those things still left lurking and unanswered. They still demand a reprieve.

Some people think I am too old to be at the place I am in my life. Others think I am to young to be at the place I am in my life. Really, what gives? If there is standard to live up to I am the last one to want to fit that mold, but how do you answer the questions of the others who think they have it figured out? When they inquire about this step or that step or where you are in the grand scheme? How do you answer that?

Some people feel as though I got married too young, failed to experience, made a quick decision. Others wonder why I don’t have 2.5 kids and a Graduate degree and the whole path of my life planned out. What is the happy medium?

I have friends and family at so many ends of the spectrum too. Friends with kids, friends who are married, friends who are in school full-time, friends who live with their parents, friends who have been self-sufficient for almost a decade.

At what point do we stop and realize, this is the day that I have been waiting for, planning for, hoping for? Today, I realized that if I had a viewfinder in the past to look at my life and see what I hoped it would be like, it most likely would look something very similar to what I am doing and experiencing now.

So, why can’t I bask in that? Why can’t I just sit and be at peace with the presence of my life – today?

I am trying to do that. This has caused a wake-up call. Well, that and a few other things.

Maybe it is time to stop taking life for granted, because it seems to be slipping by so fast.

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22 Comments »

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  1. Hi there,

    liked your thoughts, I do too forget sometimes how old I am… and forget my own birthday, it’s happend once, lovely when it does happen cos you dont need to worry about the crises you are supposed to feel as you get older!

    You’ve got a good perspective for a 20 something, remember this when you get older… or better yet as the years pass and you surf through them

    🙂

  2. Sounds like we both went through similar 20 something introspective phases within 24 hours of each other. ❤

  3. Ahhhhhhh life is too much for me these days. Well, as of yesterday when I realized home ownership means never sleeping worry-free again.

  4. It’s hard when you finally realize you’re an “adult.” Mine came at a bar where I was obviously too old to be there. As I get closer to my birthday I re-asses what I’m doing now work and personal wise. It’s scary but I’m comfortable with what I’m doing now, could always be worse 🙂

  5. I really like what you had to say.. I never really think about my age – I just try to live my life as best I can.. Until I stop and truly realize that I’m 28, no kids and no hubby… Geez, it is a little scary.. 😦

  6. In 9 days I’m turning 25 and I really feel like “how the hell did I get here?” I’m trying to become a better adult, wife, daughter, sister, friend, but I know that it takes work to be all of those things and sometimes all I want to do is curl up on my couch and hide 🙂

  7. Great post. I think we all feel that way sometimes. I’m going to grad school, but I feel like everyone around me is getting engaged/married. I guess everyone just has to make their own path.

  8. Age is just a number. You just gotta live life at your own pace. And I’m with ya on the birthday thing. I really could care less about birthdays, although I use them as an excuse for a day where I can make absolutely every decision and people feel obligated to comply. muwahaha. jk. It just means I get to pick the restaurant for dinner. lol.

  9. I love this post. I often stop and wonder/worry about what I’ve done and am doing in my life.

    I’m the opposite of Angela. I got married because I happened to find the right man, but I’d like to be going to grad school too (and maybe someday I will). I just don’t know what I’d go for. I have a job I love that is very secure, and if I were to do anything else it would be writing… which I already have a degree in (well, journalism, but I don’t know if getting a master’s degree in another form of writing would even be worth it).

    And girl, don’t listen to people who say getting married when you did made you miss part of your life. A marriage is a forever friendship and college debauchery (or whatever they think you “failed to experience”) doesn’t lend much to maturity or success. You’re experiencing a wonderful marriage with a man who obviously loves you, and you him. I don’t think you’re missing out on anything.

  10. I meant to put an end parenthesis, not a wink. Don’t know why it turned out like that.

  11. i’m feeling you more on this post than you can imagine. time is going by so fast. i’m going to be 28 in two month and what have a done? job is great and i have an amazing family and friends but i feel like i’m missing a side of life, and i know exactly what it is.

    but it always seems worse than it is, we both have so much to be thankful for.

  12. I thought I had my whole life figured out. I had the successful bf, the awesome job, a great house with a white picket fence in the best neighborhood…then my world fell apart and now that I am figuring things out again I realize that in my old life I wasn’t living, I wasn’t enjoying life. I was too worried about pleasing the ex and being the perfect girlfriend. Now I realize I am who I am and that’s a great and somewhat scary feeling!

  13. I definitely know how you feel. Oftentimes, I feel caught in the middle. And in high school, I thought I had life figured out until my parents got divorced. So it’s funny how things can change our perspective.

    You’ve just got to take each day as it comes and appreciate it for that. And enjoy all the moments you can. And I know you are doing that.

  14. Great post! I can totally relate. All of my friends seem to be in different places and I am sure each one of us wants something the other has- whether it is an engagement, a marriage, a master’s degree, a baby, a dream job. I think that we need to appreciate what we have and stop trying to live to the expectations of others. You have to choose your own path and be happy with your choices.

  15. I had that stage at 23.. now I’m in control LOL

    love the blog btw

  16. Maybe it is time to stop taking life for granted, because it seems to be slipping by so fast.

    ~ Something I am really struggling with. Planning for the future and living for now, not always easy.

  17. I liked this post Tipp. I think everyone could copy and past the majority of this post and call it their own. What I’m geting at is that no one has it all figured out. I don’t think there is a person in this world that doesn’t hesitate or wonder about the choices they have made.

    You’re not alone in feeling this way, but personally I think you are very well adjusted and in a good place in your life. You always write about your friends and family that love you and you love so much. That’s all it comes down to in the end doesn’t it? You’re very lucky to have all that.

    Thank you for reminding me that I have a special place in this world and what I have is what I’m meant to have. And that I should cherish all that I hold dear a little more than I do.

    *hugs*

  18. It’s funny. To me, you represent a very typical 20-something. At first, you’re so caught up in your own life that you fail to really pay attention to the world around you (as you well should). And then life events or actual people serve as reminders of where you/they think you should be. The challenge now is not to get “there,” but to enjoy here. It’s something I think I’ve been able to do as a 30-something and I think it’s why people often say your 30’s are way better than your 20’s. I’m not sure that’s the case, but I think once you can look beyond perceived expectations of the world around you, you will be able to enjoy where you are today. Good luck with it – I have no doubt you’ll find that balanced place.

  19. Life does go by so fast, and we shouldn’t take it for granted, but we typically don’t even think about it, and we just continue going about everyday like the last. We don’t take the time to appreciate the little things. Life is tough!

  20. Welcome to the world of insomnia. Ugh! When I can’t sleep my mind races with all of these questions too, most of them the same. 20s are a time of figuring things out. We learn from mistakes, we make it work. And tell the people who say “you got married to young” to f* off. Why wait for a good thing?

  21. It’s one of those things which you think about and then you can’t put a plug on the thoughts, they just keep streaming out.

  22. It seems like you expressed what a lot of us feel – even though I’m happy and content…there is an unsettled feeling when we are all taking different paths.

    Is work for a while better than furthering my education? Is waiting to have kids better for my career? (Even though I don’t really WANT a career! lol)


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