A Retraction

February 26, 2008 at 9:01 pm | Posted in Life | 6 Comments

Apparently the whole positive thinking route is not working for me. Screw The Secret. I am chunking optimism out the window. Forget my Autobiography Song. I take it back. All Is Not Well. I think Gabe lied to me. Either that or he most certainly did not write that song for me. I am taking it personally.

I am in a funk. No, I am pissed. No, I am sad. OK, I don’t know what I am. I have been there for a few weeks. Circumstances and situations in life seem to be wearing me out and weighing me down.

Due to the path my life has taken lately I feel the need to change my song to something along the lines of “Tears on my Pillow” or “Big Girls Don’t Cry”. Side-note: I hate that song, the Fergie version that is.

It will never cease to amaze me how two people who have honestly tried to make good choices, put others first, and all around tried to live decent lives will have circumstances turn out this way. My life with Hubby has always been a fairytale, a Grimm’s version if you will. Life has not dealt us an easy hand. Our life together began strained and it is amazing that we have made it thru it all. I am so thankful for him everyday. I feel that as long as I have him I can make it, but without him I simply would not.

Situations leading up to today have placed me in the funk. Situations and circumstances that seem to hit us over and over with no break and no resolution.

Today was rough, my funk led me to make some phone calls seeking inspiration and advice from some listening ears. An email I received through me for a loop. Literally a tailspin. Something I thought I had put to bed in my mind came screeching back saying “acknowledge me, acknowledge me, I am still here. You have to deal with me. You have to decide.” It was not a welcome contemplation. I get in my car and begin to drive.

My car quits. On the interstate. In the middle of traffic. Traffic going 70+ miles per hour.

I cannot type the words that went through my mind.

I pull to the side of the median. Trucks flying by me. Everywhere. I am deathly afraid of those things anyway and now they were inches from me going way too fast.

I make one rescue phone call – No answer.

I make two rescue phone calls – No answer.

I make a third rescue phone call – Low Battery signal. Of course!- NO Answer. Where in the freaking world is everybody?

I make another call – Daddy not in town, Dah.

There is sleet hitting my windshield, I am in the median of an interstate in rush hour, I have a limited cell battery and no one is answering their phone. I am cold. My hazards will not work and I can’t charge my phone. I can’t walk off of the bypass because well, there are cars going now 80+ MPH about two inches from my passenger side door.

I do the only thing I know to do at that moment.

I cry. I cry hard. A head in my hands, body shaking, tissue soaking cry. I did have tissue, that was about the only thing going for me at the moment. This is very significant because I am not a crier. I just don’t get there. I can probably count on my two hands the number of times I cried during Hubby’s deployment. I don’t allow myself to go there – ever. But today I did not have a choice.

I call Hubby, again. He answers. I am pretty sure the only thing that ensued was incoherent yelling and crying. He is across town. He will be there in no more than twenty minutes.

OH God! I may die here! I will be on the news and I look awful! I cry – again. Hard.

I call for a TDOT truck to help. Eight different menu choices later I am forwarded to a less than enthusiastic operator.

Operator: “Where are you? What happened to your car? Are you out of gas?”

No, I am not out of gas. Do people really do that on an bypass where the exits are less than half a mile apart? No, that is not my problem.

Me: “Can you please just send a truck?” I was only hoping to remain alive until someone came to my rescue and if it took a big yellow truck with blinking lights that showed the whole world that my car is a piece of well, you know, then that is what I wanted.

Operator: “Okey-dokey” yes, she really said that.

Click.

Must compose myself. Must compose myself.

Have I mentioned how absolutely enraged I get when public service operators hang up on me? SO, not the day to do that to me.

FIFTEEN minutes later the big yellow truck arrives. Hubby is not far behind. No help for my car. We must call a tow truck.

With one phone call I see hundreds of dollars flying out of my bank account and into the hands of the local care car center- yet again. I believe this will now be the third month in a row. I need a frequent customer discount at this place. I am keeping them in business.

As we drive home I am seriously contemplating opening my own non-profit. For me. So I can work. I must have my car to work. I cannot sit in an office all day. I am a road warrior. I must have wheels that go. It is that simple.

So, what does all this mean? It means that I am needing a little sympathy and a lot of prayers and a sense of direction. Literally a good sense of direction. And a working car.

Is that too much to ask?

Apparently, big girls do cry. Stupid Fergie.

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6 Comments »

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  1. awww well I’m glad you’re ok! I would be crying too if I were in that situation! I was once driving in wintery weather going sideways down the road in my car and saw the car in front of me doing like 70mph into a ditch. Roads are crazy! anyways- hope you find your way out of this funk soon. Maybe challenge yourself to do something you wouldn’t normally do. That’s what I do when I get into a ‘funk’. 🙂

    or throw me an email. (its.a.glamorous.life@gmail.com) I’m always up for email! 🙂

  2. That is a horrible day! I hate hate hate winter and sleet and snow. Last February I hit black ice, spun out and hit the cement divider. I smashed my car up good (airbags and everything) and had to wait over a month to get it back. Large $ amounts went to the car rental place. This winter has been horrible and I have a panic attack every time it snows and I have to drive the hour to work and back. Hopefully you’ll get out of your “funk” soon. Be cliché and think happy thoughts until it’s over.

  3. Aww! I’m so sorry. I can relate, I’ve been feeling down about a lot lately- and it’s as if one thing can just set it off. (In your case- I would’ve been crying/ screaming!) Just realize that if it was that bad today, then it can only get better tomorrow. I don’t pay attention to things like “The Secret”. I’ve tried, but I can’t ALWAYS put out positive energy. Sometimes I’m sad and pissed off, and it’s even more frustrating to try to change that mood. Everyone is allowed bad days, everyone is allowed to have bad things add up in their lives and just, you know, take over for a day. Crying? Helps me, and hopefully it helped you too. Just get it out, anything you’re feeling- write, even if it is in a word document instead of in public. Anything to make you feel better.
    Hope you have a better day soon 🙂
    (yes- I realize I’m commenting late, and your more recent posts seem happier, so I hope whatever you did worked!)

  4. […] the road side adventure that almost left me dead on the side of a busy bypass and the windshield wiper that […]

  5. […] with another flat tire. I literally laughed at the situation. You cannot write this stuff. Well, I guess you could, but who would believe it right? I am not sure I […]

  6. […] February, I had the Best. Idea. Ever. and we are still going strong! I cried on the side of a bypass and I got angry about my husband’s “veteran status.” […]


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